Saying “No” is a Complete Sentence
No is such a short, easy word and you would think that it would be easy to say as well. However, it’s not easy to say no sometimes it feels downright impossible! Why? And we do find the courage to say no; we feel the need to justify and explain why so that people don’t think badly of us.
I will let you in on a secret… you don’t have to. Saying “no” is a beautifully complete one-word sentence. Okay, maybe you know that already, but the problem is actually using it in your vocabulary. You are not alone in that, and we are going to dive into how to change that.
First, who started the phrase, “No is a complete sentence”?
Honestly, we don’t know who started it, but it has definitely picked up speed by individuals such as Annie Lamott and Elizabeth Olsen.
In a world where everyone is trying to be the best and not fall behind, we have forgotten something so basic and fundamentally important:
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage-pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically- to say ‘no’ to the other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger ‘yes’ burning inside”
Dr. Stephen Covey
Another way to think about it:
“I have a hard time saying no. I want to say yes all the time and make everyone happy but that is impossible. If I do say no, many times I want to justify my no or explain the situation so the other person will feel better about my no.
The older I get the more I realize that ‘no’ really is a complete sentence and I do not have to justify every reason why I am not able to commit to an event or able to do something for someone else. Once you are confident in your ‘no’, it’s easier to make decisions for yourself instead of others.”
Unknown
What is the meaning behind it?
Why is this such a big deal? I believe that everyone who struggles with this has their own reasoning, but I do believe that people who feel like ‘no’ is such a hard word to say are those that tired.
They want others in their life to be happy.
They want to be accepted.
They want recognition.
They don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ or appear selfish.
They are living life for others and are measuring the success of their life by others’ views. More often than not you will lose. Everyone has different views on the world, and there are those who will take advantage of your inability to say no. Keep in mind not everyone is looking to take advantage; others are just genuinely unaware that you are burnt out, exhausted, or maybe just don’t want to do something.
We live in a time where busyness is viewed as a success in our lives. We have put significant value on doing something every second of the day, every day.
We have forgotten how to take care of ourselves. There is a give/take for everything; too much of anything can become a vice.
Remember it is good to take care of others, give service, and do something to benefit others even if it doesn’t benefit you. On the flip side, we need to take time for ourselves, recharge, have some quiet time, or just enjoy time how we see fit.
Saying no means you understand that you don’t have to super for everyone all the time. Saying no means you can make decisions based more on yourself and less on others.
Why is this significant?
What happens when we don’t know how to say no? We can overpack our schedule with tons of stuff that we don’t want to do. We become overwhelmed, depressed, or even anxious due to packing our schedule of events that are stressful or draining and take no thought to do something fun for you. You don’t enjoy your hobbies or take time to recharge how you need to because you don’t have the time.
You are giving everything you are to others and not taking time for yourself. Then wonder why you feel tired, stressed, anxious, depressed, or even angry all the time. Being unable to say no to anything or very little is taxing on the body.
Saying no allows us some control in our lives to dictate what is a priority. It allows us to juggle our sometimes very complicated lives between school, work, family, kids, health… the list can go on for a while. It’s important to your health to make healthy boundaries.
What is a boundary?
Meaningful relationships are great and are essential to our well-being. We thrive on genuine social connections with others. Note though that the keyword is healthy. Healthy connections allow us to be ourselves while giving the other person the same respect. Boundaries allow you to keep your sense of who you are and what you need to be the best you.
Boundaries are lines in the sand on what you will tolerate for yourself or what you will not.
Examples:
- I will not stand by and allow others to call me names or degrade my character. I can leave.
- I do not have to be hugged if I don’t feel like being touched. However, I can still smile, wave, or engage in conversation.
- I can be here for someone I care about while not allowing them to take their anger and frustration out on me. I have the power to leave and state I will not be treated this way. I am here to help, but I will not be your punching bag.
What tools do you need to set a boundary
Positive Psychology does a wonderful job explaining how to set a boundary
- Identify where a boundary is needed
- Address that need with the person involved
- Address that need simply. Stop yourself from overexplaining
- Set consequences for if the boundary is crossed
Seems simple right? Unfortunately, most of us know that while the process is simple in theory, the application can feel near impossible. Determining what boundaries you need to put in place may require some introspection.
What are your needs? What needs aren’t being met? What do you need to do (or stop doing) so those needs can be met? In order to know where you need to go, you need to understand where you have been and where you are at the moment.
What tools would be useful? Unfortunately, none of these tools are physical, but at least they are ‘free’.
Courage– you need the courage to stand up for yourself and say, “No.” And courage to stand by that ‘no’ because some people will not understand your boundary and will try to break you down into saying yes because you saying yes makes life easier for them. You can’t rely on others looking out for your needs whether they are just oblivious or don’t care. You are responsible for you. Have the courage to make your needs a priority to you.
Understand that you have value. You have nothing to prove. Understand your insecurities and fears. If you live life to please others to receive that recognition that you are worthy to be here then more often than not you will be severely disappointed. And when you do receive that recognition, it will never be enough.
Let go of the feeling that you need to explain yourself. This whole post is about building the foundation to saying no period. Most of us want the other party to understand that we are not bad people or lazy or whatever you are afraid that they are viewing you because you had the gall to say no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are the only one that understands you; what you need, what is too much, or even the struggles you are dealing with.
You can just say ‘no’ or even ‘no, thank you’ or ‘no, I can’t do that.’ You don’t owe anyone an apology or explanation. Period.
Consequences for boundaries crossed- Some won’t understand or even respect your boundaries for whatever reason. It’s nearly impossible to enforce a boundary if there are no consequences if that boundary is overstepped. If you are willing to keep that boundary firm, why bother setting it at all?
As a side note, when you say no or send a boundary, you don’t have to be aggressive or confrontational. You don’t even need to get emotional. You can remain calm, kind, and firm throughout the whole process. Know that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions, behaviors, or choices. You are responsible for only you, your reactions, your choices, and your behaviors.
So when someone decides to “test” your boundary follow through with the consequence that was set with the boundary.
Examples:
- If you continue to (offensive behavior), I will leave the room/house/ ask you to leave (Panaotova).
- Restate clearly your boundaries and that you feel uncomfortable with what is going on.
- I feel like you aren’t respecting the boundaries I have talked about (PowerofPositivity, 2020).
Remember, saying no doesn’t mean you are rejecting the person. You can respect your boundaries while still being respectful to the other person. You are saying no to an activity or a certain behavior being exhibited. That doesn’t mean you are rejecting the whole person. It also doesn’t mean that it has to become a huge fuss. Calmly say no and move on or acknowledge and deal with the boundary being crossed and, if need be, leave the situation.
Be willing to practice. Most of this might not come naturally. It’s okay to write down your boundaries and the consequences of them. Have phrases to say if someone decides to cross the line (intentionally or not), and practice them. Say them out loud so you feel comfortable saying them and when the time comes to use them you can do so easily, freely, and without hesitation.
Practice saying no. Say no with either a small explanation or without one (depending on the situation and what you deem prudent) and practice changing topics if you are worried about any awkwardness. Practice saying no calmly but firmly.
Don’t wait for the situation. Very few of us do well under pressure or in the moment. Practicing beforehand makes it easier to say no and stick with it because you have armed yourself with the tools needed to be successful: the words, phrases needed and the confidence to say your peace and move on.
How to say ‘no’ to yourself
We have to take the time to think about who we have to blame for being unable to say no. Yea, it’s you. Remember no one else is responsible for your choices. You are responsible. So sometimes that means before you learn to state your boundaries to others, you first need to establish boundaries for yourself and tell yourself, “No”
No, I don’t need to be busy all the time.
No, I don’t need to keep up with everyone.
No, I don’t have anything to prove. I can do ______ because ____ (it’s good to give back, it’s fun, it’s something new)
No, I am not obligated to do_______
Where are you pushing yourself unnecessarily? Find ways to cut back. Give yourself time to reflect or just downtime.
How to let go of the guilt of saying no
So, this is probably the main reason why most of us struggle to say no. The guilt.
The guilt of standing up for yourself. The guilt of the possible displeasure of the other person, the guilt that maybe you are wrong… the list of reasons why can go on forever.
Unfortunately, there is no magic pill to make the guilty feelings go away. It just takes time. Every time the situation arises that you need to say no but feel the guilt overwhelming you, you have to think of a couple of things:
- Know your why- why are you saying no? And even the simple reason, “I just don’t want to do it” is okay sometimes. You don’t always have to give yourself a reason; maybe you just want the downtime to do…nothing. That’s okay. Just understand what you need.
- Understand you are not responsible for everyone’s feelings or needs- understand that some individuals may not like you setting boundaries and saying no. That’s okay. Allow space for their feelings as well as your own. They can be upset or disappointed. That’s okay. There is nothing else that needs to be done. You are not responsible to change that.
- Give yourself time to adjust- we have to reprogram ourselves not to feel guilty when we decide to decline someone’s request. Saying no is not a rejection of the person. Saying no is not about the other person. Saying no is about what you need, the boundaries you have set to stay healthy, mentally and emotionally. Saying no is not about the other person so don’t make it about them and don’t let that person make it about them. Saying no is okay to do and will not bring the end of the world. The world will keep spinning and that person you have no to will be okay.
Other ways of thinking about dealing with guilt
In an interview, a man named David Bednar gave an object lesson that I found fitting for dealing with guilt. Relating to an acrobat balancing multiple plates on sticks:
“Can you ever have all of the plates on all of the sticks rotating at exactly the same speed? The answer is no. You have to know which one will be the first to spin so slowly that it’s going to fall, and you need to make sure that you’re spinning that plate.”
Elder Bednar shares… that he is often asked how to find a balance between competing demands: home, employment, self-care, and serving in the Church.
“I have what perhaps many would think is a very unusual answer, and that is:
‘Quit worrying about it because there’s no such thing as balance. It doesn’t exist.”
“We can only do one thing in a given moment. So in the moment that I’m attending to my family, I’m neglecting… [everything else]… and maybe even myself. When I’m exercising, I’m neglecting some things. And we can drive ourselves crazy if in every moment we’re worried about all the things that we’re not doing. We never get anything done then that really matters….
“Identify the two, the three, the four most important priorities in our lives, and then make sure that we are always returning in time to make sure that each one gets the spin that it needs,” Elder Bednar says. “That imagery may sound silly to you, but I hope it’s helpful. Don’t spend all of your time trying to achieve this perfect equilibrium because it doesn’t exist. Focus on the things that matter most in the moment.
(Williams, 2021)
Another resource I found was a TED talk. TED talks are great, and there seems to be a TED talk for everything. Frederik Imbo gave a presentation on “How to not take things personally.” I think this beautifully explores why we feel guilty sometimes and how to navigate that guilt.
Wrap up
Saying no is a complete sentence. Period. Simple and to the point. Saying no is almost never about the other person. Saying no is about preserving your sense of self, giving you permission to recharge and take care of yourself when you need to. If you feel like you need permission to do so. You are the one who needs to give yourself permission to take care of yourself. It’s okay to have a day planned for nothing. It’s okay to say no, and NO you don’t have to explain why.
Yes, it will take practice. Yes, it will take time to be good at saying no when you need to. You will slip, maybe you won’t say it perfectly, maybe they won’t take it well, or just maybe they will be okay with it. Whatever happens, keep going.
Keep moving forward
Keep practicing
Keep learning and growing
And when you occasionally slip or don’t handle it as well as you would have liked. Take time to remember the progress you have made so far. You are learning a new skill. Give yourself some grace.
Resources
5 times you need to say no to yourself. (2013, December 09). Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://timemanagementninja.com/2013/12/5-times-you-need-to-say-no-to-yourself/
Brady, K. (2020, May 06). How to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from http://www.keirbradycounseling.com/how-to-establish-healthy-boundaries-in-your-relationships/
Collingwood, J. (2016, May 17). Learning to say no. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#1
Content Team, M. (n.d.). Managing your boundaries: Ensuring that others respect your needs. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_87.htm
Killoren, C. (2020, November 13). The new magic word: No. and other tips for setting boundaries. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://hellorelish.com/articles/setting-boundaries-in-a-relationship.html
Lees, A. (2018, September 11). “No” is a complete sentence. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-thriving/201809/no-is-complete-sentence
Panayotova, L. (2015, December 22). Establishing consequences for boundaries. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://explorable.com/e/establishing-consequences-for-boundaries
PowerofPositivity. (2020, June 25). 5 ways to respond to people who violate your boundaries “. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://www.powerofpositivity.com/5-ways-to-respond-to-people-who-violate-your-boundaries/
Schwartz, B. (2019, January 22). No is a complete sentence. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://www.xaprb.com/blog/no-is-a-complete-sentence/
Selva, Bc.S, Psychologist, J. (2021, February 24). How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 examples + Pdf worksheets. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Swan, L. (n.d.). “NO” IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://think-human.com/no-is-a-complete-sentence/#:~:text=Here%20is%20what%20you%20need,anything%20else%20to%20the%20sentence.&text=Just%20remember%20that%20it%20is%20a%20complete%20sentence%2C%20and%20act%20accordingly.
Tartakovsky, M.S., M. (2016, May 17). 10 ways to build and Preserve better boundaries. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries#3
Thomas, C. (2019, August 05). Why “no” is a complete sentence. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://myheartsisters.org/2013/03/04/why-no-is-a-complete-sentence/
Williams, L. (2021, April 20). ‘There’s no such thing as Balance’: Elder Bednar shares an object lesson you may need right now. Retrieved April 28, 2021, from https://www.ldsliving.com/-There-s-no-such-thing-as-balance-Elder-Bednar-shares-an-object-lesson-you-may-need-right-now/s/94216
