Why Bother With Self Awareness?
I wish I could make this a fun and light conversion about self-awareness, but unfortunately when we are asked to look at ourselves and see where we can do better we get a little spooked. But don’t worry, this is definitely not a gloomy post.
I don’t know about you but I struggle with receiving criticism (I am a very slowly recovering perfectionist). When I receive some advice my first reaction is to take it as a personal insult and we will prepare to duel!
Not really.
More often than not, I curl up in a ball and beat myself up about it for days (or even weeks) if I am not careful. Consuming my chocolate sweets hoping they will make me feel better and not fat, in a perfect world, right?
If someone has a critique about me then I must be wrong. I am failing at EVERYTHING.
Welcome to Parenthood: A crash course in self-awareness
Becoming a parent has a way of giving you an extremely rude wake-up call that tells us have a lot more to learn than we previously may have thought.
We want the best for our children when they come into this world. Even before they get here we are absolutely enamored with our little ones. We want them to be successful, wonderful adults and to be great along the way. Reach for the stars!
We also carry the responsibility of giving them all the tools they will need to achieve success. Unfortunately the methods that we might use might end up hurting our kids in the long run.
It might sound a little backwards but if we truly want our children to succeed in life we need to focus less on our children and more on ourselves.
Seems selfish? Maybe.
What I am getting at is that if we want our children to be happy with themselves, be confident, kind, and respectful then we need to be a model for such behavior.
Argh what an ugly word….
MODEL….
Meaning that we can’t give lip service and expect our little ones to follow our words… No, they have this annoying habit of following what we DO and if our actions don’t line up with what we say… Then we have just open Pandora’s box!
Children’s brains absorb everything around them. They see what we do, how we act at home versus around others, and spit out the same behavior. And boy! They don’t miss a thing.
Plain and simple model the type of person you want your child to be. This is were that pesky self awareness comes in.
What about YOU are you willing to change?
Some of our personal habits we are painfully aware of but what about those that we are not so aware of?
Are you snippy or even downright nasty when you are stressed? Lash out when life seems to not be in your control? Can you be vindictive or hold a grudge when someone has wronged you?
Achieving self awareness can be a painful process because it requires us to reach a level of humility. That humility allows us to recognize and accept that we are not perfect, we make mistakes. A more difficult truth to admit, we have hurt others whether by being a little too self centered, refusing to acknowledge another’s pain, or our determination to always be right; no matter the cost.
[mailerlite_form form_id=1]The benefit of self awareness and the cost of being clueless
Your child’s inner voice comes from you. Do we pay attention to what messages we send to our child? Do we treat our little ones with respect and love? Allowing for their curiosity and exploration of life. Do we allow them to be human, like us, having good days, bad days, or even lazy days?
Do our messages uplift and tell our child that they are wonderfully made and are loved just how they are right at this very moment?
Or…
Do we get caught in the stress of paying bills, work, and life? Allowing those negative feelings to poison our families. I can tell you this, your child might not understand all the pressures you have to face but they definitely perceive your stress, your anxiety, and your anger.
Even though you do your best to hide such feelings they will pick them up and if you are not careful, they will feel that they are responsible.
Your children want you to be happy, they love you. They also want to feel safe and loved back. Find ways to put that stress or burdens aside for just a moment and be there for your child. Play with them, laugh with them and listen. Show that the stresses of the world don’t own you and you will raise children resilient to the worst of times.
Change takes time.
It has taken a few years to admit and another few to start changing. But I am happy to say my family and I are much better off when I started admitting my faults. Instead of letting the shortcoming sink me into despair, I reminded myself to be grateful because now I could do something about it and be the master of me: be a better me.
The lightbulb moment when I realized I needed help… I was becoming an angry parent… yell first, ask questions later when the smoke from the battle cleared.
The actions of my kids were pushing my buttons, hitting triggers, and I would go on overload and grow horns, fangs, and claws. Then I see the terror on my children’s faces, that breakdown in trust because instead of being their safe place, I became something that my children feared. And it broke my heart, this was not what I wanted nor did it feel right.
I felt guilty and a complete failure as a parent. I mean.. Who is the adult? Me.
My kids have only been around such a short time. They are just trying to figure out who they are therefore my children are very dependent on me for stability. An example of how they are supposed to handle life.
BUT, here I am throwing my own big tantrum.
Pathetic. but I am not perfect.. I am not super and have some serious flaws.
And that’s okay.
What’s not okay is taking my emotions out on my children. And here’s where we get to it, why it’s important for us to understand ourselves
to take a pause
to breathe, and to think…
NOT to react.
Our children learn best and will trust our advice when we make our relationship with them a priority. Children will thrive when they feel safe and loved.
We can best accomplish that when we are accepting of them as they are not who we want them to be. And we can really only accept them as they are if we accept ourselves where we are.
Challenge yourself
It’s time we stop believing that we are done growing. Time to open ourselves up to the wild possibility that we can be better than we are today.
Heal from our past
create new and better habits
Be mindful instead of reacting.
When you lose your temper and yell (don’t worry, most of us lose it) can you go back to your child and admit your mistake?
Your child is not the cause of your outburst.
YOU have control of yourself before you snap, can you stop and hit the pause button, think… Have I taken care of myself? Thirsty? Hungry? Stressed beyond all reason because adulting is HARD!
Maybe your child is just having a bad day or dealing with emotions that have decided to manifest themselves in misbehavior.
Then perhaps take a few breaths and remind yourself that your kids are watching you! You are their hero; you are what is deemed acceptable behavior and what is not. And yes, you CAN do this; you can be the calm and be kind while giving direction within the situation.
We might not be super but to our kids, we are SUPER. Want your children to reach for the stars while helping others to reach too? Then reach for the stars yourself while helping those around you. Want your child to be confident in the body they have? Then you celebrate the body you have!
Learn to love yourself and celebrate others and your children will follow you. Show your children that they mean the world to you, that you love them for who they were, who they are now and who they will be. They will honor you and love you in return. We can have peace in the home but it starts with us.
Related Post(s): Seven Sure Fire Ways for Stress Relief, Finding Relief from Anxiety & Depression
Resources
Cultivating Self-Awareness in Parents. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/cultivating_selfawareness_parents
Eanes, R. (2018, November 30). How to give up yelling and overcome your anger, mama. Retrieved from https://www.mother.ly/life/how-to-stop-yelling-at-kids-and-overcome-anger?fbclid=IwAR2ORMUvbOxeE_wgNoj7mtFUpCE8mdAjDvJ_ZgtOSx8Q-5FPS5m_xQ0Bb3g
How to process your emotions. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://ed.ted.com/featured/Fpty6rIW?fbclid=IwAR33KJiVNPfOD7rAx4XaYqR8D9E-uV4naoZOvTfGs8mSR2ZvxqD4Q_J2aT8
Miranda. (2019, April 29). 4 Reasons Every Parent Needs a Pause Button. Retrieved from https://www.lightlyfrayed.com/every-parent-needs-pause-button/
Parenting with Self-Awareness. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aces.edu/blog/topics/home-family/parenting-with-self-awareness-he-0952/
Seidel, L. T. (2019, February 07). To the mom who believes in peaceful parenting-but struggles to actually do it. Retrieved from https://www.mother.ly/life/to-the-mom-who-believes-in-peaceful-parenting-but-struggles-to-sustain-it?fbclid=IwAR2iA9aK869wC_8Ln5_YTNIkGPIdqpaR963aL-6BlRYW8OCZ3EP4WAU9u2U
Stahlmann, J., Hagaman, J., Stahlmann, J., & Hagaman, J. (2018, November 04). PARENTING: Self-awareness is first step toward emotional intelligence. Retrieved from https://www.heraldtribune.com/news/20181105/parenting-self-awareness-is-first-step-toward-emotional-intelligence
Taking the Chaos out of Parenting. (2018, September 05). Retrieved from https://amotherfarfromhome.com/
Tartakovsky, M. (2019, May 24). Developing Self-Awareness as a Parent. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/blog/developing-self-awareness-as-a-parent/
What to Know Before We Teach Children Self-Regulation Skills. (2019, March 02). Retrieved from https://monadelahooke.com/what-to-know-before-we-teach-children-self-regulation-skills/?fbclid=IwAR1YUiJ5KxeH4xVnQOYEnUKr1y3Pu5MavrR9dQ2AF8DEjx4Y-lP_sK-qgD0
